Reek Havoc and Let Slip the Dogs of War
by HazyEpiphany
Summary: After a boring day in his science class, Calvin gets an idea…


A/N: This title is a purposeful misquote of Shakespear.

I'm sorry guys… I intended this to be a humor fic, but I don't think I made it very funny. My writing style's too narrative and not enough action and dialogue.

I'm going to do an experiment. Each chapter I post will be the same basic thing… But each time, I'll try to make it better-written and more humorous.

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><p><strong>Reek Havoc and Let Slip the Dogs of War<strong>

_Yaaaawwn_… Calvin slumped on the desk, his hands propping his face. It was nearly the end of class but Miss Wormwood was still droning on and on about boring old science.

"–nother sign of a chemical reaction is a change in odor." Miss Wormwood's voice jolted Calvin from his thoughts. He leaned forward and tried to pay attention. He knew that this was important and didn't want to get in trouble with his parents for failing yet another test.

"For example, when an egg goes bad, molds accumulate inside, creating a gas named Hydrogen Sulfide. Some atoms in the egg were transformed into the gas which releases a pungent smell. This is why it is considered a chemical reaction." Miss Wormwood's voice gradually faded into the background as Calvin's face twisted into a mask of pure mischief. Ooh did he have an idea! He rubbed his hands together and cackled quietly, drawing strange looks from the students around him.

Calvin spent days planning his debacle. He needed a few supplies, and it would take a little while to aquire them all. Oh, this was going to be fun. Calvin just knew it.

The next few weeks, Calvin was unusually well-behaved. He smiled at the teachers, was quiet at all times, turned in his homework, and even answered a few questions. It was as if he had been switched with a robot overnight! This new Calvin combed. His hair was neatly parted to the side and lay flat. Without his bedhead hair, Calvin looked half a foot shorter! He offered to carry girls' books and held the door without being told to. When asked what was going on, he would reply only with a knowing grin. He was biding his time.

Eventually, the teachers' suspicions began to fade and they believed that Calvin had truly changed. But whenever she looked back at him, Miss Wormwood could swear she saw him smirking at her. She didn't trust him. Not one bit.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

It was the last week of the year and Calvin had been doing some… celebratory preparations. He came to school like normal, and sat at his desk like the good child he was. His grin was big enough to split the heavens and the earth. Today was the day.

"Miss Wormwood?" Calvin waved his hand frantically in the air. "Can I go to the restroom? I really really have to go!" He rocked in his chair and crossed his legs nervously. "Pleeease?"

Miss Wormwood sighed heavily. She hated it when children had to leave her classroom. They missed out on her wonderful teaching skills! Without her, they would be forever ignorant and would die out on the streets! She hated it. But she also hated having to clean up yellow chairs and soaked carpets even more. She grunted and waved her hand toward the door, dismissing him, then turned back to the chalkboard.

Calvin slid out of his chair, taking his backpack–which smelled unusually like perfume– and walked casually out of the classroom. The moment he stepped out of the door, broke out into giggles. He slid to the ground, his shoulders shaking in silent laughter. Then, he opened his backpack and released three turtles with post-it notes on their shells reading One, Two, and Four. This was sure to cause havoc. To sweeten the prank, he also tied a week-old fish to each of the turtles' right hind legs. Then he broke into a sprint and ran out the door despite the resource officer's protests.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The moment Calvin had left, Miss Wormwood knew something was amiss. The atmosphere had changed, and she felt a sense of foreboding. Her heart clenched with dread. Moments later, she realized just what was wrong when her entire class began shrieking in disgust. The room _reeked_. It absolutely reeked. Whatever Calvin had had in his backpack had masked the smell until now. She walked over to Calvin's desk and sniffed the seat. It smelled of rotten milk and vinegar. The noise level was getting too high. "ENOUGH!" She bellowed, immediately silencing the class. "I'm going to go turn on the air conditioner to help disperse the smell," she said calmly. She strode over to the air conditioner and switched it on high. The room filled with a revolting stench. The students began gagging. Dead fish. Calvin had slipped dead fish in the air conditioning! She tried to turn it off but it stuck tight. With more effort, she tried again. And again. It didn't budge. She ran over to the doorway and switched on the ceiling fan. Within seconds, it was raining flour and water and plastic cups. She was shaking in fury. How dare that child interrupt her work? She opened her mouth to scream for Calvin, and something small, wet, and slimy landed inside. It was a sardine. "EEEEEEEAAAAAGH!" she shrieked in disgust. She spat it out, causing it to land on the back of Susie Derkin's head, stick there for a teeny bit, and slide slowly down her back and into her underpants. Susie's head shot up when she realized what had happened. Her eyes bugged, and leapt from her chair, or at least, _tried_ to leap from her chair. Her pants were glued to the seat. She wriggled uncomfortably, her eyes squeezed shut, her mouth visibly trying to hold back a scream

It was getting more chaotic by the moment. The children were coated in a flour-water mixture and were squirming in their chairs, trying to get out. Even worse, itching powder had been mixed into the flour and everybody was scratching madly trying to find relief. The odor was getting stronger. It was overpowering. Miss Wormwood tried to open the door. It was glued shut. She rushed to the window. It, too, was glued shut. "GAAAH!" She screamed in frustration. Her perm was straightening out under the heat and becoming stringy with sweat. In desperation, she reached for the phone to call for help… Only to realize that it was glued down. She tried to pick up an empty desk to break the window with. It was glued down. Every desk was glued down. Every pencil was glued down. Almost every object in the room was glued down. Seeing no hope, Wormwood sagged to the ground, sobbing.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Outside the classroom was no better. Calvin had flushed every other class out of their rooms, only for them to find the hallways even smellier than their classrooms. Many tried to withdraw to the relative safety of the rooms only to find that the doors were glued shut. The doors leading to freedom were locked, and the key was outside, tantalizingly out of reach. All the windows were glued down, and the halls were flooding with toilet water–apparently, all of them had become clogged all at once. Dead fish were floating in the halls, and a few turtles swam freely, causing many girls to scream. Calvin had hidden the fish well. In the ceiling tiles, behind locked doors, inside desks. To top it off, the sprinklers were going off, and orange water, smelling strongly of rust, was raining down on everyone. A cat, and even a dog were swimming around. Principle Spittle supposed they were for show-and-tell.

Spittle stood on a desk wrinkling his nose in disgust. Not only did it smell bad, but his nice shoes had been ruined. He called out over the roar of panicked voices. "Hey! Someone try to find something to break that window!" He pointed at the nearest window. "It's our only chance!"

Moments later, a high-pitched voice cried out, "I found something!" and handed Spittle a duffle bag full of what felt like rocks. Wincing, Spittle lowered himself into the water and waded towards the window, kicking aside fish and child alike. He smashed the bag on the window… and almost fell over as the putrid smell of rotten eggs wafted through the air. He looked at the window. Unbroken. He looked at the bag. Split open with eggs leaking out. He roared in outrage! "I WANT OUT! I WANT OUT! LET ME OUT! GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE!" Nobody heard him except for the children and the teachers. When his tears had run out, Principle Spittle crawled up to a corner and curled up in a ball, trying his best to ignore the smell and the wetness.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The next day, the front page of the city newspaper was dubbed "**Student Reeks Havoc on School!**"

It read: "Yesterday morning, a student (unnamed by his peers) pulled the biggest prank of the century. The student, using assorted objects of noxious scents, locked his teachers and fellow schoolmates in the school with backed-up toilets, flooded hallways, rotten eggs, and many other revolting things. He then proceeded to glue down objects such as desks, doors, and even phones to prevent them from escaping. He locked the exit doors, and left the keys just out of reach on the outside. The children were rescued after fourteen hours when worried parents drove to the school, and upon seeing the situation, unlocked the doors. The school is currently closed until further notice as it is being cleaned.

Calvin was a celebrity. Many of his peers, while furious at having been forced to endure almost a day of torture, were grateful for the extra week of summer vacation. The teachers absolutely hated him now. They hated him even more than they had before if that was even possible. And, to add insult to injury, he was grounded for the whole summer. But in the end, Calvin had the last laugh. He had broken into the school after it had been dubbed "acceptable for teaching standards" and hidden various dead animals that he had collected in the forest. The fish went in the toilet tanks, the rats went in the televisions. The squirrels went in the desks. There was even a cat in Principle Spittle's hidden "high security" three-ring triple combination hardened steel locked safe.

As Calvin lounged on his bed with Hobbes, he decided it had been totally worth it.

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><p>AN: The title is a misquote of Shakespeare's saying "Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war" is a pun. Wreak – Reek


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